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That’s…a lot of weight, man.

While you, a normal human being, are spending this NFL off-season trying to make healthy eating choices and hitting the gym on what you reasonably believe qualifies as “a semi-regular basis,” Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker and noted good dog person James Harrison is gearing up for what will be his fourteenth season of professional football the same way he prepared for the first thirteen: by being an absolute goddamn psychopath in the weight room and, more importantly, putting the results on Instagram for the world to behold.

WARNING: Do not read further unless you are in a place where you can act on a sudden and irresistible urge to complete 10,000 push-ups in a row.

Just to start us off, here is James Harrison performing a 315-pound hang clean.

Here is James Harrison successfully completing the Bow Wow challenge—”They say I’m stunting! We’re gonna find out!”—by benching what appears to be 405 pounds three times, with an extra half-rep in between, because James Harrison has no time for shiftlessness.

Here is James Harrison putting 275 pounds on his back and then doing lunges.

Here is James Harrison screaming, “I DON’T MEASURE WEIGHTS, WEIGHTS MEASURE ME!” at the smart-ass camera operator before Bradford-pressing 275 pounds to the dulcet tones of Michael Jackson.

Here is James Harrison farmer-walking 30 goddamn yards while holding…[does math] one bajillion pounds.

Here is James Harrison barbell-hip-thrusting a cool 765 pounds, holding the weight at the top as his bewildered teammates do the only thing they’re qualified to do, which is dutifully steady the bench. (Side note: The audio on this one made my fiancée hesitantly poke her head into the room to ask if everything was okay. In response, I yelled something incoherent and did more push-ups.)

I don’t even know what the fuck this is.

Astute observers might note that one of the odder aspects of Harrison’s gym aesthetic is his outfit of choice, a heather gray Steelers sweatsuit that is invariably soaked through for reasons that should be readily apparent by now. (Again: He is a psychopath.) Why doesn’t he try working out in something a bit more breathable, you might ask? As detailed in this clip of James Harrison yelling while nonchalantly incline-pressing 225 pounds, he favors the sweatsuit because if he didn’t, you would be too afraid of what you saw.

They been asking me questions, you know what I’m saying, about why Iwear a sweatsuit to work out. The whole reason I wear a sweatsuit towork out is so they can’t see my arms. I don’t want to DISTURB people from coming in here to work out just because MY ARMS are SO DAMN BIG. THAT’S why I wear a sweatsuit.

James Harrison is 39 years old. You need to stop skipping leg day.


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